Get Down or Get Out.
Why is it if you’re a cishet girl, oral sex is either awkward, terrible or non-existent?
Guest blog by Katriana Ciccotto
For ages I’ve been too in my own head to enjoy being eaten out, constantly worrying that he’s only doing it out of obligation or is just purely grossed out. Do I smell? How do I look from that angle? Am I smooth enough? How much longer do I have to pretend to enjoy this for? All these things run through my mind before I eventually look down at him, bless him, and use the classic scapegoat: “I WANT YOU INSIDE ME!” Guilty.
Don’t get me wrong, head has felt amazing when he knows what he’s doing and more importantly when he’s actually into it, but sadly that’s a rarity. When we asked 500 of you, our predominantly female supporters, whether you liked someone going down on you, 90% (rightly) said, “hell yeah”. But it seems that despite enjoying it, we can’t quite find someone who can hit the right spots:
- “I only like it when girls to do it me, I am yet to find a guy who can pleasure me orally well”
- “Doesn’t do anything for me, it’s just a bit awkward lol”
- “When they aren’t doing a good job, it’s so boring”
Everybody is different, I get it. Some girls hate sucking dick and some guys despise eating pussy. Ok. But there seems to be a common tale of girls who don’t ask for head or decline it out of insecurity, and a parallel of boys who can’t be asked to shave their bollocks but expect a bald vulva and enthusiastic blow job…
Of course, don’t ask for head, don’t get it. But let’s be real, it just doesn’t quite feel the same if you need to ask. Some girls might adopt the ‘don’t go down until he does’ mindset, or even stop giving blow jobs altogether. But if you enjoy giving pleasure, no BJs feels like twice the punishment.
So, why not lick-out?
Licking out, giving head or eating pu$$y – whatever you might call it, I spoke to a few lucky men and asked them, “What do you think are the main reasons why men don’t give oral sex?” It was a real mixed bag of some who absolutely lived for it, to others who didn’t so much.
Here were the top 5 most common answers:
- Laziness (no, I’m not kidding)
- Vaginas are internal (lots of juices involved) so seen as a more intimate act / fear of STI’s.
- “I think I’m gonna be shit”
Other points that came up were around oral sex being dependent on how a woman presents herself – so party girls or those that are more promiscuous, it’s a no I’m afraid, pfft. Another guy said they would only consider giving oral if they hadn’t cum inside a woman. The underlying issue, mentioned by almost every man I spoke to, was the stigma attached to boys giving head. LOL.
There are clearly anxieties on both sides, girls told me about different reasons they’ve heard directly from their male partners:
- “Apparently the razor burns when I shave ‘don’t look too inviting’”
- “They’re ‘saving’ that for their wife”
- “They weren’t a fan of it but always wanted fucking BJs”
- “disliked juices in his beard” (lol)
The shared anxieties seem to come from pubes and sexual ego. Frustratingly, girls told me that the most common response they got from boys was that they just weren’t into it. BUT WHY?!
Dick doodles + Porn
Growing up, the worst thing a boy could be called in school was a ‘bocat’. To eat pussy wasn’t strong or considered alpha. To me, in boy-world, if your female partner wasn’t seen to be disposable or, worse yet, you were seen to be submissive to a woman, it was bruising to the oh-so fragile masculine identity. Put simply, eating pussy was never cool. And, I don’t think I’d be wrong in saying that the same applied to boys growing up outside of South London.
This comes as no surprise when the only “real” exposure to oral sex we get as kids comes from the linear porn narrative presented in heterosexual porn. It usually goes something like this: girl with fake tits sucks off boy with massive cock, boy fucks girl’s tits whilst girl makes weird seagull noises, boy cums on tits, the end.
Pop culture is saturated with blowjobs, and schools are plastered with dick doodles, whilst the vagina and women being licked remain unseen – across all platforms, and giving oral sex to women becomes rarified as a result. Put simply, it’s not seen as normal so girls don’t ask for it and boys don’t give it. Like this girl says, “No one’s ever offered [oral sex], so I never felt comfortable asking for it. Guess that’s kinda on me?”
Capitalising on female insecurity
Girls are constantly bombarded with messages that we’re not good enough, telling us to groom, wax, spritz, tweeze, exfoliate or even vajazzle our vulvas until they’re perfect. Myths around our vaginas like your pubes are ugly, your vagina stinks – wash it, your period is dirty, your discharge is disgusting, the clit is impossible to find, continue to haunt us into adulthood.
Scented sanitary pads, vaginal wipes and vaginal hygiene products are essentially designed to exploit female insecurity. Everything from tampons to douching was created by men for the comfort of men.
These anxieties really came across in your thoughts when we asked, “Do you ever worry about what you look / smell like down there?” and 75% (421) of you said yes.
Truth is, a vagina is never going to smell of fucking ‘strawberry shortcake’. It is a self-cleaning organism that needs NONE of that bullshit. And the CLIT, is the ONLY human organ whose sole function is sexual pleasure.
I’m not claiming to be an empowered, self-assured, queen who goes around demanding head (YET – watch this space), but maybe if I was more comfortable with my own vagina, I’d be more inclined to let someone else explore it freely or better yet, inform them of what I like.
Bin him off
I think we’ve been so put off by our own vaginas, that we’ve reached a point where we don’t even know our own way around it. I know I’ll be making the most of self-quarantine – mastering the ins, the outs, and the shake-it-all-abouts of my clit. That way, at least I can guide future partners to the treasure.
In an ideal world, let me set the scene, i’d go back to his and he’d maybe light a candle, we’d listen to classic 00s rnb love songs, he’d spread my legs and dive in, nose-first. He’d have absolutely no consideration for pubes or smell, and nor would I. Then, instead of making a hollow demand for penetration, I’d just pounce on him.
I’ve tried to understand the reasons behind men not giving head, but truth be told, I still don’t get it. This girl’s got it spot on, “they told me they didn’t eat pussy and that was my queue to leave.”
Bottom line is, your clit is cute af and if he refuses to go down on you, bin him off.
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