I like tits.
Ahhh porn, the 21st-century gateway into sexual activity, rightly or wrongly. For me, my relationship with porn goes wayyy back, probably a bit too far if you ask some people but hey ho. I was initiated into the pornographic underworld during my break times at school where my mates and I would watch your friendly neighbourhood plumber do a terrible job at fixing the sink before heading to chemistry to handle some tubes of our own (yes, I know this joke is a reach, deal with it).
These were the days when ‘2 Girls 1 Cup’ was at the height of its fame (infamy) and watching porn was almost a team sport – we watched it together for a laugh, but we’d never speak about getting pleasure from it alone, curse you, prudish British nature. It was the big, horny elephant in the room, and when it came to learning about sexual pleasure, our private browsers were pretty much all we had, especially given sex ed was reserved for learning about baby-making penetrative sex and putting condoms on bananas (do the teachers eat those?), so, as a young girl who didn’t know her clit from her elbow but felt the urge to explore, porn was destined to become my sexual bible.
Where else would my place of worship be than Tumblr, it offered me all the explicit parts of PornHub I liked (cheers ‘pornvideos666’) without having to watch a hairless roided up bald dude ramming the shit out of a petite blonde (probs his fictional step-sister) as she gives the performance of her life in pretending to enjoy it. I never did believe her groans and screams but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was a bit jel of those exaggerated penetrative orgasms she seemed to experience.
Why was I not getting the urge to yell out like that, why didn’t I turn into Niagara Falls at the mere sight of an erect peen? I remember frantically googling things like “no sensation from fingering??” and “Why can I not feel anything??”, until I was wrapped in the calming digital arms of a Cosmo (lol) article that told me I wasn’t alone. Appaz “Only 18% of American women can orgasm from just penetration”, brill, well not, but you get the point. The problem was, in a world that focused on hetero porn for ball sack emptying/making your man happy purposes – and hetero sex for baby-making purposes – I still felt like I was missing out. Then, at the grand age of 14, I realised I didn’t care when, where or even if Brad finished and so I got rid of the old hetero porn, bye ‘pornvideos666’, hello ‘lesbianlover69’.
Watching lesbian porn taught me something way more important than sex ed ever did, it taught me about the key to life, the universe, everything, yup, it taught me about the clit. Looking back now, I realise that most lesbian porn was still being made through the male gaze, for men, by men and by happening on the clit was pure luck. But still. I found it refreshing to not have to watch Brad cum again and again from the standard penis into vagina action. Hell, Brad wasn’t even involved, spoiler alert. Lesbian porn gave me a sense of the unknown (yet also, still the known thanks to my very own vag). Will they just scissor each other or will they whip out the strap-on? Will they 69 or will one of them get all dom and take the lead?! There were more twists and turns than an episode of Line of Duty with the outcomes seemingly endless, especially in comparison to the clinical hetero shit a previous me had known. I knew this was it.
I’m no longer 14 and I now know exactly what kind of porn I like and want, only problem is the change in Tumblr’s T’s & C’s mean catching a glimpse of even a woman’s thigh is rare, ooo er. So, where do I find these glorious vids now without being pelted with ethical guilt and ‘BIG COCK IN UR AREA’? (do u even know how to use it?). The answer is Bellesa. Run by women, made by women but for anyone who wants something a tad more real. It has girl-on-girl, bondage and even ‘Sex Ed’ categories.
I’ll forever be shamefully grateful to porn (I’m by no means saying it’s perfect sex ed, it’s not!) for introducing me to sex and ultimately, helping open up the question of sexuality to me. For helping me realise that my passion for making my Bratz dolls scissor each other maybe had something else at its core and that maybe, just maybe, I don’t actually want to have sex with the scary bald man killing my vibe, instead, I like tits. Hopefully, the next generation get the education they need and deserve so that they’re not left watching two girls shitting in a cup as to what sex is, I won’t hold my breath.