First Date: To Shag or Not To Shag

It’s that idea of ‘putting out’ (cringe) on the first date meaning you’re easy and that he won’t take you seriously after that because he’ll see you as an “only sex” girl. So, you MUST wait until the third date before ‘giving it up’ (double cringe).

By Katriana Ciccotto

Ok, let me give you a scenario. You’re on a date with a really fit guy. He smells good, his fingernails are clean, his jeans are a little on the tight side but you’re willing to forgive it because the chemistry and general vibe are strong. You’re four glasses of wine deep and Suddenly he pops the question, “do you want to come back to mine?” 

Response in my head: ERRM, YES. PLEASE. I want you to touch that little dangly dang that swang in the back of my throat. 

Response in reality: *nervously twiddle with hair*, errm, well I don’t really do that kind of thing, but I’m happy to go back to yours for a night cap. (LIES)

We live in the age of Tinder and WAP where sex is literally at your fingertips and world class rappers boast  about the moisture that drips down their vulva as a result of being turned on. And whilst I self-identify as a certified freak, seven days a week, I still find myself being haunted by the unwritten laws around sex and dating. 

They’re a fucking minefield tbh: Keep them short, don’t look at your phone, date a few people at once, wait an hour before responding to their text, be upfront about what you want, don’t mention your ex, split the bill, don’t overdo the outfit or the booze, ask them questions but not too many, don’t arrange a follow up date straight away… And when it comes to sex: How soon is too soon? Make him work for it. URGHHHHH. 

 

Patriarchal Bullshit

I roll my eyes as I type out this bullshit list of rules because I am so aware that they’re designed to repress female sexuality – it’s why men today aren’t slutshamed and woman still can be. I know all this, so why do I let these ‘rules’ plant seeds of doubt in my head about shagging on the first date? 

Let’s be honest, a double standard growing up has shaped how we think we should act around men. It’s that idea of ‘putting out’ (cringe) on the first date meaning you’re easy and that he won’t take you seriously after that because he’ll see you as an “only sex” girl. So, you MUST wait until the third date before ‘giving it up’ (double cringe).

Even all the language we use about a woman having sex in this context makes a vagina seem like some kind of mythical sacred spirit that only comes out once a year. Not the case. I’m a genie in a bottle baby, you gotta rub me the right way. 

Then we have the toxic notion that guys will think we can’t have casual sex without catching the feels. Like, fuck boys will shag you on the first date and then air you for weeks until they want another shag. I shit you not, I once asked a guy I was casually sleeping with why he put no effort into the sex and his exact response was: “when I put effort into sex, the girl usually falls in love with me”. RED FLAG. Disclaimer: your penis is not a glorious pleasure pipe.

Or, possibly the worst type of guy to date: the one who is mesmerised by your confidence and blowie tekkers on the night and becomes completely besotted with you. But after some reflection will be intimidated by your self-assuredness come to the realisation that they cannot hack it + you are indeed, a whore. We love to see it. 

 

Hook-up culture is designed for male pleasure 

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t actually like to have sex on the first date. That isn’t to say I disagree with it or judge people for it.  Part of me wants to be this unapologetic bad bitch who fucks men on first date, and simultaneously fucks the patriarchy, but the other part of me is conflicted because I find that first time having sex isn’t going to be great, so why the rush? There, I said it.

I can confidently bet that the first time I have sex with a new male partner, it will be mediocre af – for me, that is. The kissing might be nice, he might find my clit but I wouldn’t hold my breath, and he will almost definitely cum. Casual sex starts to become the most pleasurable for me once I have communicated my intricate desires. I APPLAUD any woman who can have casual sex and find it enjoyable – teach me plz. 

Now admittedly, I find it difficult to communicate what I want when I don’t know the person, which is probably / almost definitely part of the reason why the first time is never amazing. From experience, once I know a guy a bit better I feel more able to communicate my boundaries as well as my fantasies. So, I personally prefer not to have sex on the first date. Sorry Cardi. 

Whenever I’ve done it before, things just aren’t quite the same in the morning. You wake up on Sunday and you’re no longer a pair of hopeful, horny, singletons. You quickly realise that the glamour of it all has melted away along with last night’s concealer. You’re tired, smelly, strangers with each other’s mystery solved. And quite honestly, seeing a guy on date number two after having seen his squinty-eyed-mouth-wide-open-cum-face on date 1 makes me feel a type of way. 

On a more serious note though, I do internalise a lot of stigma around sex on the first date. I sort of become obsessed with the idea that he will have a certain perception of me and that there’s an obligatory expectation for us to have sex again after that. I have found myself constantly saying ‘I’ve never done this before’ to a one-night stand. It’s a toxic place to be in. So all that said, I don’t think shagging on the first date is for me. 

 

New Rules:

Having said all this, sex compatibility is such an integral part of dating and exploring this from the start can really help decide whether you want to actually invest time into someone. Try before you buy and all that. Plus, if you go back to his, his bedroom will be full of clues on what he’s really like. 

And there can be something really liberating and exciting about having a fondle with someone you’ve just met. Sex Psychologist and Expert, Dr Chavez, says, “It can help you break down your own personal biases around sexuality, heal shame from the past, and improve your sexual self-esteem.” 

I took the topic of discussion to my male followers on Instagram, whether they’re an accurate representation of the male voice, I’m not sure. But here’s what some of them said anyway: 

Guy 1: I think it depends on the man and also how long you’ve been talking before the first date. Like, if you just met someone and go on a date the following day, there might not have been a solid connection built yet, so then it becomes a strictly sexual relationship. If you click with someone, you shouldn’t judge them. 

Guy 2: Waiting a bit is seen as the respectable and proper thing to do. But I am aggressively on board with doing what feels right. If sleeping with each other on the first date feels right, then go for it. Sometime I feel like I’m being predatory if I make a move on date 1, and that social pressure is definitely a big part in my decision making. 

Guy 3: I wouldn’t judge her at all. Not at all

Im going to wrap this up by saying that I think the most important thing when it comes to sex is to be faithful to your own set of standards. Much like Guy 2 pointed out, whether that’s following the textbook rule of shagging on the third date, waiting till the ninth, or not waiting and getting straight to it. Who even wrote this fucking rulebook anyway? 

Sex on the first date is completely overthought; it’s so easy to become bogged down by rules and stigma. In true Dua Lipa style, write your own set of rules, or don’t, just do what you want. Sexual liberation for all. 

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