Pack up your bags, you’re being evicted from my fanny.
By Bella Biddle
Not to go all vagina dentata on you all, but nothing makes me wish my pussy could bite back as badly as a man calling it tight.
The scene is set. I probably met the dude in a club, or fished him out of the depths of Tinder, and he’s funny enough and cute enough that he’s back at my place, or I’m back at his place, or whatever. I’ve let a whole man see my sexy, wiggly body, and now we’re doing all kinds of unspeakable things. And, just as he puts his willy right where I want it, he looks at me, full of admiration and longing and says, ‘wow, you’re so tight.’
What’s that all about?
It makes me want to clamp down like a bear trap. Get out from inside me, loser. Show’s over, game’s done. Pack up your bags, you’re being evicted from my fanny.
I have some big questions for the men who insist on calling me tight, like it’s what I’ve been dying to hear.
- is that really the best compliment you could think of? I’m super hot, and funny, and great in bed, and really good at table football, and all you could think to say was ‘tight’? Right.
- who made you the arbiter of what a good pussy is? Like, you don’t get to be inside my vagina and leave a Yelp review while you’re still there. You’re not the critic from Ratatouille, you’re a rugby player from Clapham. I was looking to get dicked down, not evaluated, buddy.
- and honestly? if I *AM* super tight right now? it’s probably a problem.
As a self-acclaimed expert in pussy, I’m here to tell you that the tightness of a vagina has literally nothing to do with the amount of sex it’s had (so calm it please with your image of me as an untainted virgin, @ the fictional man in my vagina, this is *not* my first rodeo, no matter how much it makes you feel better to imagine that it is). I am also here to tell you that it has literally everything to do with how into the sex I actually am. There are a few factors which change the way a woman’s vagina feels – where she is on her menstrual cycle, stress, illness, anatomy… but the number one reason that a woman’s pussy feels super tight during penetration?
She’s not fully aroused.
So riddle me this, dickhead. Why are you looking me in the eye, and calling out the fact that, no, that definitely wasn’t enough foreplay, like I’m gonna be impressed or surprised. Are you proud of the fact I’m not that into this? Honestly, if you slide into someone and they feel super tight, it’s probably a sign that it’s time to go down on them a little bit longer and maybe get the lube out. If her pussy is clenching down on you (in a non-deliberate way) then read the signs, you’re probably not a sex god and may even, and don’t let your fragile ego get in the way here, be a sign that you’re slacking in the sex skillz department. And even if it’s not your fault, it might be a sign that you two need to have a bit of a chat, help her relax, try something new.
We’re past the point where we expect women to be in pain so men can have good sex right? And you’re a nice guy, right? Loads of friction usually isn’t a good thing for sensitive skin. Time to help her loosen up, so to speak.
And even if it just so happens that your physiologies are such that it’s a super snug fit and she’s cool with that (lube lube lube) then I beg, I pray – come up with a better thing to say! I get that all vaginas are built different, and there are so many shapes and sizes, and we’ve all been conditioned for yonks into believing that small is the dream when it comes to male pleasure, and like, who doesn’t wanna pleasure their partner? ‘You feel amazing’ is a great way of expressing that omigod feeling that you get when you slip inside someone (and is totally neutral and can be used by like, anyone, doing any kind of sex thing) which isn’t the other side of the coin from taunts like ‘throwing a hot dog in a corridor’. If you must comment on the quality of my vagina (which, still, why?) then let’s try out some new adjectives less rooted in a history of shaming fanny, alright. Mushy, sloppy, wet, hot. Whatever. I can take it. You calling me ‘tight’ like it’s a good thing throws other women under the bus in the ‘loose’ camp pal, and that’s not gonna fly with me.
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