My first time with a sex toy: it felt like I was being prodded in the fanny by a Calippo.
The world of sex toys can seem scary and extreme. Step half an inch inside any sex shop and you’ll most likely be confronted with an army of massive fist dildos, ginormous strap-on knickers, leather slut paddles, whips, chains and heaven knows what else. Ever heard of a penis cage?
Prodded in the fanny by an ice pop
I bought my first sex toy in 2016, aged 19 (but it didn’t count, I’ll tell you why). I bought it online, obvs, cos there was absolutely no chance of me walking into a sex shop to have said stare-off with a dildo. Or worse, have a member of staff awkwardly coming up to me to ask, “how can I help you today madam?” at which point I’d pretend I was a blind and deaf tourist who couldn’t speak any English to get out of the situation.
In recent years female masturbation has become more visible and finally shaken off some of it’s cultural baggage, but back then I internalised my urge to masturbate as something rare and kinda filthy. Had I known that all of my girl pals were at it too, I most likely would have felt a lot more comfortable with the whole thing. But, still haunted by the ‘girls don’t masturbate’ myth from school, that wasn’t a conversation I wasn’t ready to have.
Instead, I proceeded to incorrectly use my first vibrator for the next four years. Yes, you read that correctly, four whole years (that’s 1460 days) of inserting an ice-cold, metal, “clit-stimulator” into my vagina, with NO lube. Yes yes, I give you permission to rinse me. Four years of thinking I was incompetent, had an anomaly vagina and i was just one of those women who can’t cum from sex toys. Thing is, I would only be half as embarrassed if I was at least getting some pleasure from using it incorrectly, but it honestly felt like I was being prodded in the fanny by a Calippo.
Cue, the clit…
It would be unfair to solely blame this naivety on myself when female pleasure has been mansplained to us for centuries. In 1905, my man Freud shrugged off clitoral orgasms as merely adolescent. His legacy taught the world that women primarily receive pleasure through penetrative sex, oh how I wish it was that simple boo. Nowadays you have to look no further than the NHS to know it’s through the clitoris that “…most girls masturbate. Most girls and women need the clitoris to be stimulated to have an orgasm during sex”. I didn’t know any of this.
I wasn’t deterred and continued on my quest for an orgasm with a vibrator, I tried masturbating in different positions to see if it would make a difference: in the shower, standing up, sitting down, running it under warm water first, none of it worked. I mean, bless me. To make matters worse, I tried using it with a partner at the time to see if that would make me cum – obvious spoiler alert: that didn’t work either. The key was in the clit, which was being totally ignored, and we were both as clueless as each other.
And so, I shoved it in a shoebox in the back of my wardrobe and never saw it again. It sounds so obvious to me now, but how was a sex toy-virgin supposed to know that a phallic-shaped vibrator wasn’t supposed to go inside my vagina? Or to use lube when masturbating?
F*ck the haters
Coronavirus happened which left me, and pretty much everyone else, with a whole load more time on my hands. So, during quarantine, I set myself the personal growth challenge of re-entering the daunting world of sex toys and buying my second vibrator (but really, it was my first one).
I went for a totally different vibe and got something not shaped like a dick, why are sooo many even shaped like them anyway if they’re not supposed to be inserted? Male gaze, is that you? Instead, I got First Base, cute af and designed to reach every last one of my 8,000 clitoris nerve endings. This time, 6 years later, I knew more about my clit and was curious to unlock her mythical potential. I had the ambitious end goal of getting some pleasure out of my new sex toy and maybe, just maybe, even using it properly this time.
Admittedly, some of my friends were still baffled as to how, as a hot-blooded 25 year old, I still hadn’t made myself orgasm from a sex toy. My message to anyone else in this predicament would be – ignore the haters, we’ve all been naive and there’s no time like the present, explore yourself!
This time around, I wanted it to be perfect from the get-go, so once it arrived, discrete packaging and all, I started to set the scene. It was like I was losing my virginity again, except this time I wasn’t 15, or blind drunk, or on Wimbledon Common… I converted my bedroom into a pleasure palace: switched on my pink fluffy fairy lights, arranged all my cushions, lit my incense, poured myself glass of red wine and put on my favourite gay porn.
Top tip for people quarantining with family: listen to porn (if that’s yo thang) through your headphones and play music out loud on a speaker whilst you moan away honey – they’ll never know.
It was time to get to business. I played around with all the different settings – they varied in intensity and pulse speed (all very new to me). I lay on my back, spread my legs and lathered myself as well as the vibrator in lube. I started with the lowest setting and gently placed it against the right-hand-side of my clit, also playing around with the other settings (it got a bit fiddly, as you might imagine). I experimented with different pressures, tried using circular motions and stimulating both sides of my clit until I learned what felt good. Once I was comfortable, and had gotten over the mental commentary of ‘well… this is a bit weird’, it started…
I started to get goosebumps all over my body, and my breathing was getting louder. I felt the sensation of liquid ecstasy rushing up my spine, reaching the back of my skull and trickling back down to the rest of my naked body. My hips were grinding in the air, my nipples like bullets, my torso jolted upwards – before I released a loud, soulful moan – it felt like Jesus himself was stroking my brain. So much more powerful than I had expected or anything I’d ever experienced before.
Once I sobered back into reality, my first thought was, what the actual fuck, how did I fucking do that?!, then it was I neEeEeEEEed to do that again, closely followed by, ok time to delete Hinge – men no longer have any use to me.
Top tips for top toys
If you’re new to the world of sex toys (we’ve all been there hun) then my advice to any clit-owning humans buying their first toy would be to go for a clitoral vibrator. Of course, everyone’s different and experiences pleasure differently, but 75% of women (me included) need to have their clitoris stimulated to orgasm. So
if you’re anything like me then it’ll be the best decision you’ll ever make.
To help you out, here are my handy top tips (and remember, the vibrator doesn’t have to be huge, and it doesn’t even have to even be shaped like a penis):
- The more, the merrier. The more settings and patterns a vibrator has, the more likely you are to find a setting that works for you.
- Check it’s body-safe. Cos of a dodgy loophole, a lot of UK sex toys include some nastyyyy toxins. Not cool man, check the product is body safe.
- Read the reviews. Good reviews mean good. Bad reviews mean bad. Listen to the people. Maybe a toy designed by someone with a clit?
- Buy it from a cool company with the right values. Basically, just not Amazon. Jeff doesn’t need any more of yo’ cash.
Take your time with it, create your own pleasure palace, and make yourself comfortable. Experiment with different settings and positions: masturbating whilst lying on your front, or on all fours, or whilst dancing? Whatever floats your boat, just be patient, and get to know yourself. It might take a while and that’s okay.
brb off for a wank x