I’m a great big, dirty, shameful feminist who wants equality for all genders and a lil bit of light choking, so what.
I’m A Feminist
Yup, a great big, dirty, shameful feminist. Who knew that being an advocate for women’s rights on the grounds of the equality of the sexes would become so frowned upon by the masses. I don’t burn my bra’s or anything like that, I don’t hate all men, I just love women, after all, I’ve created a platform purely for the progression of female pleasure. But I have a guilty pleasure that comes out within the bedroom, a secret held between me and the occasional Tinder arsehole….. I’m partial to a hand on my neck, a little bit of light choking, I don’t fancy entering the 50 shades of grey red room any time soon but I find the pressure of a strong hand caressing my neck enhances my pleasure. I know, I know, am I a hypocrite and not actually a feminist after all? Can feminists even be submissive?
Can Feminists Be Submissive?
I bloody well hope so. To me, the point of feminism is that women can be whatever they want to be, whether that’s in the bedroom, boardroom or up Mount Everest (named after a man, classic). Wanting equality for all does not mean wanting the same thing for everyone, especially in terms of sex, it’s about everyone having their needs both heard and met, so yes, in my opinion, you can submit in the bedroom in the morning and then go off to fuck the patriarchy in the afternoon. U do u hun.
Google “feminism and BDSM” and you’ll realise this isn’t a new debate, the relationship between feminists and BDSM practitioners has always been controversial. In the 1970’s, most feminists believed you couldn’t get your kicks from BDSM and also be a feminist at the same time, some people still think that in 2020 and that’s fine. Their argument is that women who have these sexual preferences are falling prey to a societal attempt to “keep a woman in her place”. Am I the victim of a society that’s brainwashed women’s brains so much to believe that we’re supposed to be submissive in the bedroom? Probably, but if I like it, who cares? Feminism is supposed to be about choice after all.
It’s not just the ladies that have been brainwashed though, men are also expected to play a role in the bedroom, the role of the “dominant”. As the genders become more equal (longggg way to go), the boring power struggle (male = dominant, female = passive) is becoming more and more outdated in everyday life, yet in the bedroom it’s becoming more and more normalised. For example, most of us have experienced the hands of a mostly random Tinder guy casually wrapped around our neck while making out. When it happened to me, I didn’t expect it or ask for it (dw, we’ll get to consent), but I knew right away that I liked it. Lowkey gasping for air at the hands of a practical stranger, what on earth is wrong with me? Nothing. Maybe you want to be spanked, tied up, called names, have your hair pulled, whatever, none of it makes you any less of a feminist.
Domination and submission mean different things for different people, whether it’s the pure physical sensation of trusting someone else to take control, the important thing is that you have to come to submission from a place of strength. If you want to be dominated in the bedroom, if you like “being domestic” in a relationship or whatever else, as long as you’re being true to yourself and these roles are your own choosing then you’re wielding power, that is feminism in action. The important thing to remember is that it must always be your choice.
Consent Is Key
Not to kill the mood entirely but having sex should be treated like a contract, you’re both (or more, you wild one) agreeing to engage in consensual sexual acts together. If there is something you or they would like to try e.g. choking, then it needs to be mentioned in the contract from the get-go. Now obvs you’re not gonna take your finest parchment and quill out on your date but communicating openly is key. Also, don’t just agree to something you’re not into cos you wanna please your partner, having selfish sex is how we’re doing things around here now, sis.
As Aretha says, we all deserve a little R E S P E C T, both in and out of the bedroom. So let’s have sex however the fuck we want, indulging (or not) in whatever we want. I enjoy being submissive in the bedroom, there’s nothing ‘un-feminist’ about it. Tbh, if that’s what you’re into, it just makes sense, you can come home and allow your partner to dominate so that you can keep your energy for burning down the patriarchy the next day, we all know how exhausting that is. Let’s stop weighing sex down with too much analysis. Do what feels good to you, and own it. There’s nothing more feminist than that.
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